I watched a fascinating YouTube video a couple days ago that made me want to Tweet about how ready I am to be a father. It was about 1 year old babies and their ability to recognize several basic blocks of social interaction. It’s fascinating to see that every single social interaction we have from the moment we are born affects us for the rest of our lives.
Seeing babies and toddlers interact with humans, often speaks volumes about the households they’re growing up in. They have this saying in Hindu culture when I visited New Delhi in 2010: “children are a reflection of their parents.”
This video I’m about to share almost made me cry. I think back and am transported to being a 10 year old and remembering the day my little sister first smiled at us from the pushchair. We were jiggling the pram on Mission Bay beach and out came the most radiant and beaming smile, gums and all! Me and my older sister were booing and cooing at her, smiling, as if we were trying to coax the positive energy out of her. No teeth of course because she was only a few months old. Then out of her body came a noise that can only be described as a joyful scream. I remembered very specifically my older sister gasping: “Oh my God, she’s smiling! Look, Mum! She’s laughing too!” Our little baby Hinemoa was mirroring all our facial expressions back to us.
I used to love sitting in the backseat of our retro 1997 Land Rover Discovery and make all kinds of funny faces at my baby sister. If there was anything I was going to teach her it was: how to be funny, make silly faces, and not to take life too seriously! I played the role of goofy older brother perfectly! Hinemoa would grab my face, almost trying to comprehend and understand if my face was real or not. She’d never seen anybody go cross-eyed before. Then after holding my funny face for 10 seconds, she’d touch my cheek and animatedly change and make a different funny face, usually with a honking nasal noise to match, often to her squealing delight. And bip-boppity-boop, she’s been laughing at my jokes ever since!
It made me realize that although my Mum had to take care of two little rascals running around at 18 months apart (me and my older sister), Mum always engaged with us babies from a very young age. This was her way of showing us that we were loved. Mum still does this with all my cousin’s babies by the way.
Every time a cousin of mine had a baby - and trust me, there are tons of babies in my extended family because I have 60+ first cousins alone - Mum would always talk to their children as if they were already able to communicate. Now I’m realizing after watching this video, the babies that mirrored back her smiles and her interactions were from families where the child was already being socially engaged. Others, and there were some, stared at her blankly, almost confused as to why this white lady was trying to talk to them! Perhaps it was just their personality, but after watching this video I’m realizing that maybe it’s not.
I suppose I’m getting emotional because I’m feeling extreme gratitude for the household I grew up in and for the Mum that I had. I called her just now to tell her that I love her. She was such a lovely mother. Even when we acted out, she never walked away and ignored us. Us 3 children were never withheld love, and you can see it in our sunny disposition to this very day: me and my sisters are abundant with our love and we never withdraw, we just love harder!
I get equally emotional and sad for babies that don’t get the same socialization from a young age. The ones that perhaps don’t get any attention unless it’s negative. According to Bridgett Miller (teacher, parenting consultant, and remedial therapist) there’s a lot going on emotionally for children who repeatedly act out to get a reaction from their parents:
“Any time a young child ups their performance and becomes louder, more dramatic, or repeatedly pushes the limits, they need more attention—not less. This may sound contrary to what you’ve been led to believe, but withholding attention from a child who is acting out to get it will never resolve what’s driving them to act out. When we ignore, shame, or punish a child who is “just looking for attention,” we might succeed in temporarily shutting down their acting out, but we miss out on giving them what they truly need from us: a deeper heartfelt connection.
For a young child who is desperate for a parent’s attention, even negative attention is better than not getting any attention at all. It’s a poor substitute for the warm connection they were trying to attract, but they’ll settle for what they can get. Parents need to know that the young child isn’t going to be the one to break the cycle of acting out in order to get attention, it has to be the parent. We have to be the ones who let go of trying to justify how much time and attention we’re already giving them, and thinking that it should be enough. Only the child knows how much is enough for them. If we’re seeing their behavior escalate, we have to approach their exasperating behavior as an immature plea for more connection, not less, because that’s what it is.
Whenever your child appears to be doing something for attention, it’s because attention is exactly what they need. When you push back or try and ignore their efforts to get your attention, you’re wasting an opportunity to give them the connection they are seeking. By giving them loving attention, you’re not giving in or letting them have their way—you’re conveying that you see them, you hear them, and they matter to you. This provides the necessary context to convey that no matter what their behavior, your connection to them remains strong. Tell yourself this parenting affirmation: “I choose to see my child’s attention-seeking behavior as a plea for more connection.” Use this takeaway to re-frame the way you’re interpreting their behavior.”
This, I’m assuming, and I’m no child psychologist, is the way antagonistic personalities are born with the thought process being: I’m going to get the attention I’m wanting and desiring, regardless of whether it is a positive or negative outcome, I will get the attention nonetheless. Repetition of this behavior with negative outcomes, as clinical psychologist Dr. Ramini Durvasula puts it, shapes a child’s psychological constitution.
I’m grateful to have grown up in a household with positive reinforcement and encouraging affirmation. There was no love placed on restricted access to any of us, the love was always abundant, even when we were acting out! Long story long: children need attention, affection, affirmation, warmth, and above all, abundant signs of engaging love. Withdrawing any of the qualities mentioned in the last sentence stunts emotional growth and only creates emotional complexities in their future.
I know the type of father I’m going to be to my babies. One that is full of attentive love and positive reinforcement, I’ll never be withholding love, ever. I’m going to talk to them babies as if they’re already understanding me because chances are, they already do! Watch the video and see for yourself: