When I took the coaching job at St. Francis College in Brooklyn Heights it was only because I wanted to get lane space to host my private swim lessons. I was weary of taking this job because I knew I’d become emotionally invested in the success of my swimmers.
For context of my emotional machinations: I have this really bad character flaw where I want to lean out of moments that have the potential to hurt me emotionally and I very much know the reason why I do this as well. I do it as a sort of self-protection mechanism. Perhaps if I don’t get too invested emotionally in what I’m doing then perhaps it’ll hurt less when I am not successful in my mission.
Living like this is impossible because you’re always having one foot out the door and you’re never really emotionally present enough to fully absorb all of the experiences that come along with it. We do this to ourselves all the time. A form of self-sabotage. Brené Brown talks about this a lot with the human experience. How we deprive ourselves of emotional joy because we’re scared it might go away later.
So in taking the St. Francis coaching job I really challenged myself to lean into the process emotionally. I challenged myself to be emotionally present in every moment. And while there were background whisperings of our program being cut, I chose not to allow that background noise to affect my sunny disposition when out on the pool-deck coaching.
Energy is contagious and I was always determined to have the most infectious positive vibe possible.
And even when some of the kids I coached had leaned out of the process, I continued to lean in because again this was the challenge that I’d set out for myself to accomplish. Let me tell you this: when you put all your emotions behind something it does allow full potential for you to be devastated; however, on the other-side of the coin opposite devastation you also have the capacity to experienced unbridled joy. And the amount of times I felt unbridled joy on that pool-deck coaching those kids will remain forever in my heart.
One part that stands out? Watching every single swimmer improve their dive, underwaters, and breakouts by ten-fold. When I first started coaching at St. Francis I couldn’t understand how we’d always lose the starts! Consistently and across the board, everybody would be about a quarter to half body-length behind other teams every single time.
So we decided to work on dives. And I taught everybody how to dive with all my experience and expertise. Then suddenly, we were no longer losing dives at every dual-meet. And then eventually we were WINNING dives at the dual-meet. Then we started winning races that we wouldn’t typically win at dual-meets too!
Can I express to you how joyful it is to see your swimmers suddenly winning their races because their start has improved? Moments of joy like this stay with us forever. And when these swimmers with outstanding eligibility move onto new colleges with new coaches, they can thank the Coaching Staff at St. Francis for giving them a great start!
On Monday 3/20/2023 St. Francis cut their entire athletics program, effective immediately. Not just swimming and diving but basketball, volleyball, and all other sports. It wasn’t a shock to me personally but I know that it was a lot to process for many of our swimmers, whom now unfortunately have to find new places to finish out their college swimming careers.
Despite knowing that this was highly likely to happen, I’m proud of everybody that I had the pleasure of working with staying emotionally invested this past swim season. I apologize that this had to happen and obviously it is beyond my control. Just know this: I am eternally grateful to everybody that I got to work with on this team. All the lessons learned, laughs shared, and experiences are now sewn into the fabric of my coaching DNA.
I’m proud of myself for constantly staying emotionally invested even though I knew it would destroy me when it all came to an end. I cried 3 or 4 times yesterday, which is highly unusual. I’m blaming this on the Saturn moving into Pisces planetary transit! Naaaah, but really though the only reason why I cried this much was because I really cared. And there’s no shame in caring and giving things your best effort in life. I really don’t know any other way to live it!
And for my darling St. Francis swimmers: I know it might be an anxious time full of fear and uncertainty, but please stay open and keep the faith that perhaps the new place you’ll land at will make you even happier than you were at St. Francis! I only wish happiness for you all. Remember that sometimes life isn’t about where we’re at right now but where we’re heading to in the future. So, not to be corny and quote Catholicism but keep the faith y’all! Keep the faith that you’ll land somewhere great. I can’t wait to see where many of you end up and I’ll of course be following all of your journeys.
I’m applying for new coaching jobs now, which means that I’ll be needing to take things private in terms of social media. Booooooo! As much as my fans and loved ones enjoy and understand my sense of humor, my future employers might not be quite as understanding. Self-awareness is key. I know how I’m perceived online sometimes. I’m not an idiot. I def lean into it sometimes just for fun, whoop!
That’s something I really adored about being at St. Francis College, the ability and permission to be myself. I would coach in my Britney Spears t-shirt (a gift) and orange sweatpants on pool-deck and nobody batted an eyelash. It was dope. I’m a wacky dude sometimes. Have you read my tweets? It’s why you love me, honestly. But for the time being it is time to cosplay as an Adult for the foreseeable future and see where I, myself, land!
One thing is for certain, wherever I go I shall be giving myself generously and without fear. Or perhaps a healthy dose of fear just for fun: