My upcoming 31st birthday is making reflect on a lot of things in life. One of those things is friendship. After 3 solid decades on this planet, I think I know what it means to be a real friend. After careful deliberation, I’ve decided that these are the 3 rules I live by in order to be considered a real friend.
1) Don’t ‘Go To Bed’ With Your Friends
Personally I believe that in order for friendship to really flourish, the element of sex has to be removed. This makes life much simpler, with clear distinct boundaries.
I’ve taken a leaf out the Greek Philosopher Epicurus’ book and decided that life is much simpler if all the people I call a friend in my life really is just that: a friend. I’ve said that to each of my 4 boyfriends and each of them appreciated my candor because it was reassuring for them. When boundaries are crossed in friendship they’re no longer a friend anymore, they’re a lover, and once feelings get involved, the situation gets messy.
If you’re serious about having a committed loving relationship in the future, don’t make things weird with your friends! It’s that simple. That way, when you have a potential partner come into your life, you can say with full certainty when introducing them to you circle, that every person in your circle really is just a friend.
2) A Real Friend Apologizes For Hurt Feelings
If boundaries are crossed, then address it immediately, apologize regardless of whether you were in the right or wrong, acknowledge the misstep and move on. Everybody has had a drunken night where they’ve made bad decisions, the important part is the recovery. The sooner you address it, nip it in the bud, the higher the likelihood the friendship can be mended. I understand it’s uncomfortable, however, anything ambiguous is only going to lead into more hurt feelings and nobody ever wants to play games with people’s hearts, it is bad karma.
Evil eyes can manifest in many different ways. I believe it’s possible for people to lose their jobs, prosperous careers, even loving committed relationships, all because of an evil eye has been cast on by so-called jealous friends. A real friend would never deliberately go out of their way to do something out of spite. A loving friendship isn’t about hurting, and if the love feels painful then it probably isn’t love.
We need to all collectively stop using a person’s “acting out” and rage as an indicator of strong feelings with love: love isn’t supposed to be painful. Everybody needs to stop conflating love and pain: the depth of a person’s pain is no indicator of their love for you.
How your friends are with apologies is also a good indicator of whether the friendship is real or not. When you confront a friend about a hurtful thing they’ve done, a real friend acknowledges the hurt and pain they’ve caused, and apologizes for causing it.
Do you acknowledge the hurt and pain in your friendships? And if so, are you able to navigate an apology that gives your friend the assurance, understanding, and compassion that they need to have peace? That’s a real friendship. Talking around difficult issues or leaving them unaddressed for a long period of time can turn any relationship toxic.
So often people make their apologies about egos and power-struggles, and if this dynamic seems familiar, it might be time to move on from that friendship. Revisiting pain from the past is like picking at a scab for fun, it is a toxic cycle that doesn’t allow you to heal and move forward. Real friends honor sincere apologies and move on.
Accepting an apology is one thing, but honoring it is quite another. When accepting or receiving an apology, honoring it means leaving the conversation there and moving forward. Don’t revisit it. If they keep revisiting painful moments of the past that you’ve sincerely apologized for, realize that behavior is a toxic cycle and you don’t need that in your life.
Pride and resentment can kill a person, and they very oftentimes do. Emotional toxicity is the fastest way to develop cancer, I have no doubt that shit will kill you. So cut out the emotional toxicity from your life for the good of your own mental, spiritual, emotional, and even physical health. Get it out of your life.
3) A Real Friend Wants You to Win
When a person posts something online to get underneath your skin, or does something deliberately to cause a fight and provoke you, that’s toxic. If you get a thrill out of such interactions, you might have an addiction to toxicity.
If you get a rush from drama then you might be a toxic person, which isn’t the best thing, but admitting that you might be partial to toxic tendencies is the first step in breaking out of the toxic cycles and friendships once and for all.
I avoid all social and emotional toxicity in my life. I’ve lost countless friends over the years because the situations have turned toxic and I needed to walk away. Self-care is so important. It’s really hard, especially when you share so much history, but all because a person has been in your life a very long time doesn’t make them a real friend; you must look at their behavior.
One thing I’ve learned in life is that good energy begets good energy, bad energy begets bad energy. So, I only try to give loving energy to those who make me feel good, and these friendships reciprocate that loving energy right back to me naturally. It should make you feel good to build your friends up! Everybody should be wanting to see one another win.
Lastly, friendships are the few moments of human interaction where we get to be vulnerable and tender. Can you be tender and vulnerable with your friends? Does your friend soothe that vulnerability, minimize your weakness, build up your self-confidence and instill strength in your character? That’s a real friend.