I’ve never found it particularly interesting to be vulnerable. Nor have I ever, not once in my life, striven to be relatable. It just isn’t something I find particularly interesting. I’m forever trying to come across as competent and in control. I’m unsure where this part of my personality comes from. Perhaps it is my Capricorn rising? Maybe there’s some childhood trauma I haven’t quite unpacked yet. It could also just be a defective part of my personality requiring work.
I’m learning that the biggest reason why I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable is that I’m probably way too paranoid. I don’t believe that people have inherently good intentions wanting to hear about my own personal struggles. People find ways to weaponize trauma. When I’ve opened up to people, about the difficult times I’ve endured in my life, it has often been used against me. These conversations are rarely had with good intent, rather, a mechanism to manipulate and maneuver at a later date. I just don’t want to give people ammunition.
As stated earlier, ruminating in trauma isn’t something I find interesting. I prefer to learn very quickly and move on, refusing to make the same mistakes twice. However, I’m learning that helping people deal with their struggles, because I’ve lived through some of the same struggles, is somewhat significant. I read on my cousin Loma’s Instagram page the following quote:
So I sat there and thought about success. I’d say I’ve had a pretty successful decade in my 20’s in many different ways. One year removed from the decade I suppose I can critically analyze everything. Sure, I could have more money in my bank account, and of course I made many mistakes along the way, but I do also understand that success is a subjective term that we all interpret differently.
There are the basic societal markers of success: big house, big car, big family, big wallet, high paying job, etc. So if I were to use societal markers of success, I wouldn’t be very successful at all; however, we all possess the inherent ability to define success on our own terms.
Because we are entitled to our own interpretations of what “success” is, I knew that striving to obtain societal success wasn’t going to be the main goals of my 20’s. What I did do instead was work on myself very hard, introspectively, to do all the things that I knew would be imperative to setting myself up for lifelong fulfillment. In many ways I’m in a state of great privilege because I’ve always had the luxury of time to define success on my own terms.
Success to me in my 20’s were the following accomplishments:
Graduating from a Tier I University and getting a robust education, debt-free.
Using my tertiary education to build a hotel with my family so that my parents could live less stressful lives. Success was also helping my father phase out of his law career, so he can be around long enough to meet his grandchildren.
Unpacking deep childhood trauma and dealing with some pretty ugly demons. Success of this was made through confronting my parents, my father in particular, on the difficult times I had growing up that made me feel invalidated. This was particularly difficult if you knew the Tongan cultural background we were raised where children are “seen but not heard.”
Receiving a sincere apology from my parents, again, mostly my father, which in turn allowed me to heal effectively.
Recognizing that I have internalized trauma that affects my subconscious on a deeper level and breaking out of this cycle of mistreatment. I hope this will give me a much higher chance of success in both my interpersonal and intimate loving relationships.
Using my brain, skills, and lifelong passion for my sport to survive in New York City. I’ve never, not once, used my physical appearance or “charm” to make it by. Learning to stand on my own two feet without compromising any of my values is important to me. The result? A robust self-esteem and general sense of security that’s centered around knowing everything I’ve ever obtained has been through merit, and merit alone.
Overcoming an unhealthy body image and bad attitude towards food. I’ve finally learned how to find balance and like what I see when I look in the mirror.
Researching scholarly sources to learn about my own bodily health, and how it is intrinsically linked to my own personal mental health.
Overcoming self-destructive thought patterns and behavioral habits that have kept me trapped in the lower-frequency. Success was being able to tap into my higher-level of consciousness through overcoming all the difficulties and struggles in my life.
And finally, bringing my childhood coach to the Olympics and sharing that once-in-a-lifetime experience with her. That felt really good.
These are all my versions of success. Noticed how none of them are physical? Not one single thing you can touch! Except maybe the hotel we built as a family. Success to me is all about self-actualization, and taking the time to learn and grow from one’s mistakes.
I’ve had a ton of failure along the way, and of course my goal is to share this with you all in an attempt to make myself more vulnerable and relatable. It is an ongoing journey, learning to take down the veneer, but it is something I’m starting to feel safe doing strictly on my own terms. I’m not going to give out my difficulties and struggles to people haphazardly, I will be selective and deliberate, as any Capricorn rising creature would!
Everything in life is much easier when we approach the world with a “growth orientated” mindset; nobody knows everything and we shouldn’t feel embarrassed by saying the words: “I don’t know.”
My Dad told me growing up that the best Professor he ever met while studying Law at The University of London at Oxford, was a man who stood up in front of the class and said in his very first lecture that some of the smartest people in the world are the first to say “I don’t know.” Because eventually one day you will know, and this is how ignorance is not only fought, but won!
I’ve always chosen to keep the lessons of my past and not dwell on failure itself. I’ve also learned to embrace all my failures as though they’re stepping stones, kicking me toward something bigger and greater. I see myself as a big ol’ gay phoenix, constantly being reborn, rising out of the ashes, and into something stronger, more resilient, and hopefully soon to be of some significance.
I’ve done a lot of growth and now, in lieu of success, I hope to become more significant by adding value to other people’s lives, instead of just my own. At the end of the day, I’m just like Dolly, singing in the song below: “I’m just travellin’ travellin’ travellin’, I’m just travellin’ thru! Woooooooooo!”
And I hope y’all continue travellin’ with me on this road of self-discovery: