Ugh. I went another day without writing and I feel bad because this is a 30 day writing challenge. Good news is: readership is up! The website’s getting hits even when I don't post so that makes me feel like people are enjoying the pieces that are going up. I apologize for disappointing you yesterday. While not really a reason, more of an excuse: this cleanse is wreaking havoc on my emotions!
I'm not even a week into it and while working well for my health, the emotions are a little intense. Practitioners say that the mental effects and emotional strain of the cleanse was going to vary depending on how bad the illness is. I knew this was going to be quite bad.. nobody can ever really mentally prepare to deal with some of these emotions. One of the biggest reasons why most people give up this cleanse is because of the emotions associated with it, so practitioners say it’s best to postpone the cleanse until one feels strong enough to go through it.
Physically, I have a pretty high pain threshold. I've always told myself that I'm tougher than most because I'm an Olympian. Perhaps this is a lie bc these emotions are way worse than any physical pain I've ever felt from training. And I really love to push my body to its limits with training, so I like to think I know a ting or two about dealing with toughness because I do tough training everyday.
Emotional pain though? Turns out I'm a wimp. I can't seem to get it together. I'm practicing self-tenderness like my therapist encourages, but I'm still walking around really fucking angry all the time.
According to TCM, every organ is related to a certain emotion. The lungs are associated with grief, the kidneys are associated with fear, the spleen is associated with worry, etc. Can you guess what the liver is responsible for? If you guessed anger, resentment, and contempt, then you'd be right. So this would explain the intense rage that I keep finding myself in. The hormones are angry hormones and my body is releasing them.
I don't think I am a particularly angry person and maybe that's the problem. Instead of releasing my anger in the moment and allowing myself to really go into an emotion I'm uncomfortable with, I bottle it up. I think that by suppressing it, I'm going to help myself and others around me by not tapping into that emotion, and in some instances perhaps maybe it does help. It certainly gives me more time to think.
Me and my therapist discuss at great length the reasons why I avoid the feeling of anger. It's definitely connected to my childhood. I grew up in a childhood home where there was a lot of rage. There was a lot of love too, don't get me wrong. Love my family to death. But there was a lot of anger in our childhood home.
I remember as a kid not wanting to be an angry person when I grew up so I just pretended that emotion didn't exist. And now here I am, 32 years into life, paying the physical price of a messed up stomach because I avoid this emotion rather than feeling it.
Our childhoods affect us in ways we don't even know! And what's crazy is that as I'm doing this cleanse, it's as if my body is releasing years worth of anger, resentment, and contempt that has accumulated and calcified. The only person this unreleased anger hurts is myself and I refuse to die with liver toxicity due to repressed rage! So I’m getting it out there.
I went into a Starbucks with my best friend Melissa for our weekly walk in Central Park on Mondays, and I smelled something. Since I started my cleanse my sense of smell as intensified. And it wasn’t just any cologne either. Louis Vuitton, the most expensive one. The guy wearing it was Middle Eastern and decked out in Kenzo.
It was the smell of somebody I used to know. It took me back to a weird time and place. My heart felt, and still feels, somewhat unfinished. Closure is a fickle thing and oftentimes it escapes us. A big part of growing up in life is learning to sit with the ambiguity of it all. This is such a big part of the human condition. I know now that people are very lucky in life if they get any semblance of closure on things, and that a lack of closure is actually the norm.
I mentioned the smell to Melissa without mentioning the association and asked her thoughts on the scent. She said it was nice but that it was also heavy. This made me laugh. Mel prefers lighter, fresher scents. I named the scent and the guy wearing it turned around. He was impressed with my knowledge of colognes. Then me and Mel fell down a rabbit hole discussing scents!
Thank GOD Mel was there as a distraction. But as I'm writing about it now and realizing, the smell might have been triggering for me. Fortuna and Mercury were both being quite cruel to me that fateful Monday. We don't even go to Starbucks! We usually go to Dunkin' but that day they ran out of iced green tea. I’m inclined to say that the Universe wanted that to happen.
Why did the Universe want me to have that experience? Who knows. I started thinking about my life and how happy I am with where I currently am. Things are really starting to take-off for me at the moment and it makes me happy to see all the hard work and patience I've put into my career is starting to pay off, literally.
I needed to develop my skills as a Coach, and the only way I can do that is if I'm out there in the field developing that skill. Like I told y'all, anything in life is a skill and it can be learned, honed, and perfected. There was a time where I couldn't coach because the pandemic was still very much uncertain and my roommate was autoimmune compromised. The choice was either to stay and not work and accrue debt, waiting for the pandemic to end; or, I could find a new place, continue to work and pay rent/bills, and start learning and honing my craft.
I made the very difficult decision of doing the latter and obviously it was the right choice for a long list of reasons. For one, I learned how to be a good coach. I got that pool-deck experience. Now I'm feeling super confident in my job. I know exactly what I'm doing and I'm really proud of the work that I produce. The kids can see my love and passion for my job and it shows in their positive reviews.
My company knows this and they continue to give me work. I even got a text from the President himself, thanking me for the work that I do. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even respond. I know! Terrible. Sorry David but you know how grateful I am to work with you. Please keep sending me work! Haha. Typical Venus in Aquarius not knowing how to react to emotions lol.
I know people will read this and think I’m bragging and so what? I’m good at what I do and why can’t I celebrate that! I'm sick and tired of surrounding myself with people who are threatened by my success. Me succeeding has no bearing on your level of achievement whatsoever, that's all decided by you and your work ethic!
This next part of the blog post is directed to all my haters.
I take full satisfaction knowing that every time you tear me down, you take one step further away from building happiness and success for yourself. So keep tearing me down at the expense of no-one but yourself. Nothing you do affects me, it only affects you. Isn’t it funny how it works?
This form of magic is powerful yet effortless because it harnesses the natural governing rules of Universal Law. Kind of genius if you think about it.
I'm entering a phase of great abundance in my life. Me and my roommate were discussing it last night on our Restoration Hardware leather couch. Isn't it crazy how changing the energy around you can also change your ability to connect with the universal law of attraction?
I truly believe that because me and my roommate have a kinship that's locked into a higher-frequency, we're able to attract and magnetize so much together. We almost never argue, and when we do it is so healthy because there's a mutual respect for one another. We might disagree on something but we don't think the other person is stupid because of it. We recognize that life is complicated and we can both be right and wrong at the same time. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong, what matters is that we work towards a solution together. And maybe it’ll take a little compromise from one, more compromise from the other, but that’s life. That’s love. That’s how you make a household run. You keep your eyes, ears, and most importantly, heart, open to all.
One thing I know for sure with my current roommate is this: we always come back to this place where we're trying to uplift one another. We are both hard working people. Extremely hard-working, both of us. Neither of us lack discipline and both of us are considerate of the other person’s feelings. This creates a solid foundation rooted in trust because we both know neither of us has malignant intent. It really is quite mature how we handle our day-to-day. We don't sweat the small stuff. We save the drama for when it counts.
Even reading these words will hurt but rather than focusing on the pain of those words, why not try and find a lesson in there somewhere? Maybe you’ll learn how to have a healthier dynamic in your interpersonal relationships. Maybe you can finally silence the ego of your inner-child. The whiny one that always seems to find a reason to give up.
There’s a war that's waging within every human-being between the adult and the child. I want you to ask yourself: why do you keep allowing the child to win, each and every time?
I dare you to be an adult and to grow and to change. I dare you to make the difficult decision of being happy for me, the same way I’m always choosing to be happy for you. Do you know how many times I’ve chosen to be happy for other people’s success while I’ve been in a dark and miserable place?!? Countless times, man. Countless times! Yet I still choose to be happy for them because being anything other than that repels good things away from me. I want success in my own life and I learned long ago that resenting the accomplishments of others is only going to drive success away from me. Instead I channel that energy into the things I can control within myself to be a better person.
Why is it so hard for humans to be happy for others? I dare you to be happy for another person’s success instead of resentful. Go on hater, do it! Most people can’t and many people won’t. Why buck the trend and break the cycle? And so the vicious path of Saturn returning continues until you decide to learn a lesson in humility.
Overcoming pride, hubris, and ego is a fast track to the North Node. However, it takes a world of strength, hard work, and self-discipline to get there. Are you strong enough to be with me at the North Node? I want you at the North Node with me. I really hope you choose that path. But only you can make that decision.
While awaiting your Saturn return, I'll set fire to the rain.