I'M BACK

Yes, the rumors are true.

My little space on the internet as been resurrected.

Rejoice!

I miss writing.  I guess that’s why I’m back here doing it all over again.  There’s been a lot happening in life lately.  Especially the past 2 years.  My face collapsed. I had surgery. I’ve gone back to school. I’ve also been experimenting with my creative side, trying to find a medium suits me best.  It has been a process of trial and error.

Yet still, I always come back to writing.  I think there’s something about the methodology of the written word that is still so powerful.  The written word is the only medium I know that’s still capable of leaving a stain on the brain that will remain. And thus, the written word remains potent.

Only good things have come from creating this space. I wish to build on this.

So Here I Am (hehe) writing again.  Getting thoughts down. Sharing insights, thoughts, feelings. Who knows what I’ll write about exactly. Last time the pieces people found really helpful generally appeared to be more health focused, so I can definitely share with everybody my “feel good” secrets.

With Law School and the path that I’m on right now, getting things down and working on my flow of sentences will be really helpful.  If I’m not writing about legalese, I should at least spend some time everyday working on words, grammar, syntax, and honing my skill of conveying thought and opinion. This is no easy task. Like all skills: it take practice.

Emotional self-expression isn’t something I struggle with. I almost always know how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. Most people struggle with this. Sometimes for others, just pinpointing and identifying an emotion can be tricky. We try so hard to outrun our emotions but some uncomfortable feelings need to be faced head on. We cannot run forever.

Thankfully I’ve been blessed with not only the gift of emotional literacy, but also with the gift of self-expression. I’m hopeful that I have lived a life with enough depth, experience, and emotional insight to be able to relate to others in a way that is compelling. I hope my radical emotional self-honesty here is something that inspires others to live in a similar way. Because let’s be honest: life is way too short to live oppressed and repressed.

What I love doing is helping people gain better insight into better understanding themselves. So I suppose my objective is to be so radically honest with what I’ve been through that it inspires others to gain better understanding or insight into themselves… or whatever!

Who knows? All I know is that I’m back. I feel amazing. My mojo is kicking. And I’m feeling really motivated to take life by the balls and really make something outta myself, do you know what I mean? Of course you do.

December 12th 2023

Write write write, and then write write write some more!  That’s the current mood and vibe.  I’m somewhat nervous picking up this writing project while Mercury is in retrograde but I got to push through these planetary alignments!

I still have a little over two weeks to decide whether I’m moving back to America but honestly I think at this stage I’m going to stay put in New Zealand.  I really feel myself much calmer and level-headed while being here.  I love being around my sisters.  My gosh they make me laugh!  We really are a funny family.  Almost never a dull moment, I must say.

It is my birthday on Thursday, which is a promising sign as this is the day of Fortuna!  I hope this year brings me tons of abundance and plenty of opportunities to capitalize on.  I do have some projects that I would like to undertake but like any good creator I’m going to keep them quiet for the time being.  Can’t have the evil eyes running amok of my plans!

As you all know I definitely believe the act of transference is very real.  I do think we can pick up on the energies of both other people as well as our surroundings.  It isn’t until I’m back home in New Zealand that I wonder if this is the place that I obtained a lot of my beauty from.  If the energy of places can permeate into our frequency, then New Zealand’s beauty definitely rubbed off on me.

I feel very comforted to know that this place is where I grew up.  It wasn’t until I left Auckland City and saw much of the world that I learned how beautiful this place is, and how blessed I am to grow up surrounded by such beauty.

Now don’t get me wrong, Auckland City architecture is atrocious.  The buildings they’ve decided to plop everywhere looks like cement blocks.  Totally hideous and an obvious sign of corruption.  There are certainly cities that are far more attractive in terms of buildings.  Rome and Barcelona are two places that spring to mind when I think of cities that have great architecture.

It is such a shame because geographically where Auckland City sits is incredibly spectacular.  The view of the Waitemata harbor and Rangitoto island are absolutely gorgeous.  When you look westward, you see the Waitakere ranges, which are also quite stunning to contemplate.

When driving down my childhood street on a clear day, you can see the ranges in the distance and there’s something about them that’s somewhat mystical.  When I was living in LA – albeit very briefly – the eastern mountain ranges reminded me a lot of the Waitakere ranges.  Perhaps that’s why I liked looking at them so much?

There’s much to write about and there’s a lot to discuss but I feel this is a good first journaling entry for me to place on my blog.

This isn’t exactly the most productive time of year.  Not only this, but I’m also kinda fat right now.  I know my agents here in Auckland are aware that I’m home but I haven’t reached out to them and probably won’t until I’ve put on a bit of muscle and shed some fat.

Thankfully it doesn’t take long for me to snap back into shape.  In the meantime I’m doing a lot of yoga, tons of meditation, and just getting my regular bodily check-ups done.  Minding my ps and qs so to speak. 

I hope you’re all having a lovely start to the week and I’ll try my best to update here as regularly as possible!

Goodbye St. Francis Athletics Program

When I took the coaching job at St. Francis College in Brooklyn Heights it was only because I wanted to get lane space to host my private swim lessons.  I was weary of taking this job because I knew I’d become emotionally invested in the success of my swimmers.

For context of my emotional machinations: I have this really bad character flaw where I want to lean out of moments that have the potential to hurt me emotionally and I very much know the reason why I do this as well.  I do it as a sort of self-protection mechanism.  Perhaps if I don’t get too invested emotionally in what I’m doing then perhaps it’ll hurt less when I am not successful in my mission.

Living like this is impossible because you’re always having one foot out the door and you’re never really emotionally present enough to fully absorb all of the experiences that come along with it.  We do this to ourselves all the time.  A form of self-sabotage.  Brené Brown talks about this a lot with the human experience.  How we deprive ourselves of emotional joy because we’re scared it might go away later.

So in taking the St. Francis coaching job I really challenged myself to lean into the process emotionally.  I challenged myself to be emotionally present in every moment.  And while there were background whisperings of our program being cut, I chose not to allow that background noise to affect my sunny disposition when out on the pool-deck coaching.

Energy is contagious and I was always determined to have the most infectious positive vibe possible.

And even when some of the kids I coached had leaned out of the process, I continued to lean in because again this was the challenge that I’d set out for myself to accomplish.  Let me tell you this: when you put all your emotions behind something it does allow full potential for you to be devastated; however, on the other-side of the coin opposite devastation you also have the capacity to experienced unbridled joy.  And the amount of times I felt unbridled joy on that pool-deck coaching those kids will remain forever in my heart.

One part that stands out?  Watching every single swimmer improve their dive, underwaters, and breakouts by ten-fold.  When I first started coaching at St. Francis I couldn’t understand how we’d always lose the starts!  Consistently and across the board, everybody would be about a quarter to half body-length behind other teams every single time.

So we decided to work on dives.  And I taught everybody how to dive with all my experience and expertise.  Then suddenly, we were no longer losing dives at every dual-meet.  And then eventually we were WINNING dives at the dual-meet.  Then we started winning races that we wouldn’t typically win at dual-meets too!

Can I express to you how joyful it is to see your swimmers suddenly winning their races because their start has improved? Moments of joy like this stay with us forever.  And when these swimmers with outstanding eligibility move onto new colleges with new coaches, they can thank the Coaching Staff at St. Francis for giving them a great start!

On Monday 3/20/2023 St. Francis cut their entire athletics program, effective immediately.  Not just swimming and diving but basketball, volleyball, and all other sports.  It wasn’t a shock to me personally but I know that it was a lot to process for many of our swimmers, whom now unfortunately have to find new places to finish out their college swimming careers.

Despite knowing that this was highly likely to happen, I’m proud of everybody that I had the pleasure of working with staying emotionally invested this past swim season.  I apologize that this had to happen and obviously it is beyond my control.  Just know this: I am eternally grateful to everybody that I got to work with on this team.  All the lessons learned, laughs shared, and experiences are now sewn into the fabric of my coaching DNA.

I’m proud of myself for constantly staying emotionally invested even though I knew it would destroy me when it all came to an end.  I cried 3 or 4 times yesterday, which is highly unusual. I’m blaming this on the Saturn moving into Pisces planetary transit!  Naaaah, but really though the only reason why I cried this much was because I really cared. And there’s no shame in caring and giving things your best effort in life.  I really don’t know any other way to live it!

And for my darling St. Francis swimmers: I know it might be an anxious time full of fear and uncertainty, but please stay open and keep the faith that perhaps the new place you’ll land at will make you even happier than you were at St. Francis!  I only wish happiness for you all.  Remember that sometimes life isn’t about where we’re at right now but where we’re heading to in the future.  So, not to be corny and quote Catholicism but keep the faith y’all!  Keep the faith that you’ll land somewhere great.  I can’t wait to see where many of you end up and I’ll of course be following all of your journeys.

I’m applying for new coaching jobs now, which means that I’ll be needing to take things private in terms of social media.  Booooooo!  As much as my fans and loved ones enjoy and understand my sense of humor, my future employers might not be quite as understanding.  Self-awareness is key.  I know how I’m perceived online sometimes.  I’m not an idiot.  I def lean into it sometimes just for fun, whoop!

That’s something I really adored about being at St. Francis College, the ability and permission to be myself.  I would coach in my Britney Spears t-shirt (a gift) and orange sweatpants on pool-deck and nobody batted an eyelash.  It was dope.  I’m a wacky dude sometimes.  Have you read my tweets?  It’s why you love me, honestly.  But for the time being it is time to cosplay as an Adult for the foreseeable future and see where I, myself, land!

One thing is for certain, wherever I go I shall be giving myself generously and without fear.  Or perhaps a healthy dose of fear just for fun:

The Brooklyn Move Around Adventures

So, we are moving around a lot. We are moving around, A LOT! I left the high-rise in Hell’s Kitchen and moved to Brooklyn. I wrote about it here. The first place I stayed left a lot to be desired. I didn’t bother leaving an AIRBNB review because some places are simply not worth the trouble.

Every modern business these days run on reviews my own included. I don’t want to give a negative review because I fear the retaliatory measures taken against my business, so I will stay mum on the subject. Not all search engines have robust ways of filtering out dishonest reviews so the easiest way to deal is this: if you don’t start none, there won’t be none. However, it must be noted for the record that my former Airbnb host has since been suspiciously taken offline, which has sent the CONSPIRACY THEORIST within me REELING!

After my first place I moved to a FABULOUS AirBNB in… Well, I couldn’t tell you where because it is highly controversial. Upon first entering the space I asked the owner if I was indeed Crown-Heights because, um, it felt very Crown-Heights outside. The landlord assured me that it was definitely still Bed-Stuy because apparently Crown-Heights started south of Atlantic Avenue. All allegedly of course. This was our first interaction of a month long stay so I def didn’t wanna argue with a person who is responsible for the place I am sleeping for the next month or so.

I miss this place though. The ceilings were taller than 12 feet and that to me is very glamorous. Every morning I woke up feeling like I was in Madonna’s “Take A Bow” music video.

While it was rough outside (I got yelled at by a crackhead suprisingly only once) the streets were stunningly gorgeous. The restaurants were fantastic. I’d never had oxtail as delicious as I did it at The Jamaican Pattie Hut on Nostrand Avenue, which incidentally would roast jerk chicken on the pavement outside every day. This made me feek like I was back in Tonga!

I think it was them? Who knows. There were plenty of west Indian food places on the block so whoever they were, they had excellent taste in music. They be blasting that stuff loud and proud while roasting jerk chicken on the streets. If you’ve been tuning into my IG stories, you’ll know what I’m talking about!

My current place of residence is definitely 100% Crown-Heights. I love this new spot and what is even greater is that I have my own bathroom. Score! This neighborhood makes me giggle. It was where my bestie Morgan and Melissa moved when they first came to the city after crashing on me and Shanta’s couch for a couple weeks while living in Cobble Hill.

Speaking of Cobble Hill, I am moving back there next month! I am returning to the place where it all began with some semblance of permanence, thank goodness! I hate moving around places month-to-month although it has certainly kept life interesting. I got very good at packing my entire life into one suitcase.

It’ll feel great to be in the same place for 3 months! And guess what? I’ll have my own bathroom again! Double score.

I am looking to get a place of my own but I have been lazy and procrastinating. I make enough money to be able to afford it but I’ve been moving slowly because… Well, I don’t have any excuses. My business is doing very well and I’m kept very busy. I haven’t begun a big marketing push yet because I honestly haven’t needed to. Word of mouth marketing is the best type of marketing and I’ve been able to sustain myself through this.

I keep saying I want more money saved before I find something permanent in terms of housing but that’s really just an excuse. I have plenty of money haha. I keep saying I want to focus on building my business but that’s taken care of. I don’t really have any reason! I have been taking my time. Mercury is in retrograde so perhaps this is a project that is best left for me to achieve in the fall! For now my life is very Sagittarius without much structure and regime and I kinda like it.

I'm A Brooklyn Baby

Howdy from Bed-Stuy!

I bet that wasn’t a sentence you were expecting to read anytime soon. And honest to God, it wasn’t something I’d foreseen myself a few months ago!

I did an IG story about a week ago declaring my departure from the high-rise in Hell’s Kitchen. Everything was going fine until I took up a job as a Volunteer Assistant at St. Francis College in November last year.

I took the job with the understanding that I’d be able to get lane space at 180 Remsen Street to teach private swimming lessons. My dream is to one day have my own team in Downtown Brooklyn, but there’s still a lot of work that must be done before I accomplish this.

After trying, and ultimately failing, to juggle my assistant job, with my volunteer assistant job, with starting my own swim business, it all became overwhelming to say the least! I’m not afraid of hard work, but there are only 24hrs per day and it isn’t realistic for me to juggle 2 different jobs while trying to start, and operate, my own business. So, I dropped the part-time assistant job and moved into my own temporary spot in Brooklyn.

Right now, I’m at an AirBNB. Moving on short notice (I only had a week) this was all I could find. And honestly, it’s fine. I have a bed, a shower, and all the things I need. My former roommate was lovely enough to offer me another month of staying in Hell’s Kitchen but I declined. I really need to be on my own to start building things from the ground up.

I wish I could’ve built this business a long time ago, but due to the restrictions of the pandemz and everything that has transpired these last 2 years, building my own swim business has been placed on hold.

While we’re back to basics, I’m really happy here in my new place. And while it certainly isn’t as luxurious as the multi-million dollar high-rise, I do feel at peace, and I do feel more at home here. Now is the time to start building. I’m enjoying the sovereignty I have over my own life. It is incredibly freeing, kind of scary, yet totally exciting.

I don’t have a green card (yet) but I have applied for one and I should hear back from them later this year. My current visa only allows me to work swim related jobs. So, it has been incredibly restricting and difficult getting everything off the ground. I don’t have the luxury of getting a regular 9-5 job and earning an income that a person with a college degree can, so I’ve had to make do with what I can.

Have you ever seen me complain about my immigration status? NO! Because that doesn’t solve anything. Complaining won’t pay my rent, nor will it pay my bills. That stuff must get taken care of regardless of my immigration status, and it has been taken care of with hard work and creativity.

It is kind of amazing that I live in New York City, don’t have a green card, and have still managed to find a way to stay out of debt. I live in the most expensive and exciting city in America, if not the world, and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished given the circumstances. Most people would’ve moved home by now but not me. I have a steely determination and a high work ethic that sees all my projects through.

Even when I was working as Barista at Starbucks, I always give everything I do my best effort. If you ever meet Amini Fonua, you’ll surely remember his work ethic! I knew I was capable of accomplishing much more, and I knew being a Strbks Barista wasn’t going to be forever, it was just a stepping-stone onward to greater things. All I needed was the time.

And now? The time is here! The time for me to build my swim team and collect checks and offer my expertise to young budding swimmers has arrived. I’m so incredibly grateful for my tenacity to stick around and be in the city throughout this entire ordeal.

The people who stayed in New York City throughout the pandemic, the ones who didn’t leave, and the ones who found a way to make it work without applying for Unemployment and food stamps, they’re the fucken real ones. They are the tough ones! They’re the ones that kept this city moving, that kept this city alive. I was a part of that. And when I look back and think about surviving the pandemz, I’m happy for being able to do so.

I don’t have the luxury of a family that I can fall back on during these tough times, but I created a surrogate family along the way.

Thank you to Jarrad, for always looking after me, and for allowing me to look after you in return. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work, but I’ll always think of you fondly. The bond we share is incredibly special. I’ve learned so much from you, and I couldn’t have survived this without you.

Thank you to Shanta, for literally giving me a bed to sleep on when I broke up with my Jersey boyfriend 2 years ago. She took me in, no questions asked, and made me feel incredibly welcome in her home. A feeling that felt foreign to me at the time, for reasons I cannot get into.

I’m so incredibly lucky to have felt loved throughout with my actual family, who continued to call me multiple times a week to see if I was okay. We survived a pandemic, went to the Olympics, and lived through a volcanic eruption! You can’t say it hasn’t been an interesting 2 years.

It’s incredibly humbling to go from the pampered luxury living in a high-rise to an AirBNB in Bed-Stuy, but I like to think of myself as a pretty humble guy most of the time. And, just like my job at Starbucks, it’s a stepping-stone toward bigger and better things. I take the lessons from all these experiences and carry them forward into my business.

This AirBNB might be a shoe-box, but at least I can say with fullness in my heart that it is mine. I paid for it. I own it, albeit temporarily, and I feel a huge sense of gratitude for staying here. I slept 10 hours last night, better than I’ve slept in months. It’s stressful trying to be everybody’s everything, but now the only person I have to worry about is myself, my swimmers, and my business.

This is where I’m at in my life, and I’m neither embarrassed nor ashamed because I know where I’m going and I know what I’m doing. My path is full of purpose. I’m on an upward trajectory and I’m building something fulfilling that I hope to do for years to come.

Watch this space!

Learning To Be Vulnerable

I’ve never found it particularly interesting to be vulnerable. Nor have I ever, not once in my life, striven to be relatable. It just isn’t something I find particularly interesting. I’m forever trying to come across as competent and in control. I’m unsure where this part of my personality comes from. Perhaps it is my Capricorn rising? Maybe there’s some childhood trauma I haven’t quite unpacked yet. It could also just be a defective part of my personality requiring work.

I’m learning that the biggest reason why I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable is that I’m probably way too paranoid. I don’t believe that people have inherently good intentions wanting to hear about my own personal struggles. People find ways to weaponize trauma. When I’ve opened up to people, about the difficult times I’ve endured in my life, it has often been used against me. These conversations are rarely had with good intent, rather, a mechanism to manipulate and maneuver at a later date. I just don’t want to give people ammunition.

As stated earlier, ruminating in trauma isn’t something I find interesting. I prefer to learn very quickly and move on, refusing to make the same mistakes twice. However, I’m learning that helping people deal with their struggles, because I’ve lived through some of the same struggles, is somewhat significant. I read on my cousin Loma’s Instagram page the following quote:

So I sat there and thought about success. I’d say I’ve had a pretty successful decade in my 20’s in many different ways. One year removed from the decade I suppose I can critically analyze everything. Sure, I could have more money in my bank account, and of course I made many mistakes along the way, but I do also understand that success is a subjective term that we all interpret differently.

There are the basic societal markers of success: big house, big car, big family, big wallet, high paying job, etc. So if I were to use societal markers of success, I wouldn’t be very successful at all; however, we all possess the inherent ability to define success on our own terms.

Because we are entitled to our own interpretations of what “success” is, I knew that striving to obtain societal success wasn’t going to be the main goals of my 20’s. What I did do instead was work on myself very hard, introspectively, to do all the things that I knew would be imperative to setting myself up for lifelong fulfillment. In many ways I’m in a state of great privilege because I’ve always had the luxury of time to define success on my own terms.

Success to me in my 20’s were the following accomplishments:

1. Graduating from a Tier I University and getting a robust education, debt-free.

2. Using my tertiary education to build a hotel with my family so that my parents could live less stressful lives. Success was also helping my father phase out of his law career, so he can be around long enough to meet his grandchildren.

3. Unpacking deep childhood trauma and dealing with some pretty ugly demons. Success of this was made through confronting my parents, my father in particular, on the difficult times I had growing up that made me feel invalidated. This was particularly difficult if you knew the Tongan cultural background we were raised where children are “seen but not heard.”

4. Receiving a sincere apology from my parents, again, mostly my father, which in turn allowed me to heal effectively.

5. Recognizing that I have internalized trauma that affects my subconscious on a deeper level and breaking out of this cycle of mistreatment. I hope this will give me a much higher chance of success in both my interpersonal and intimate loving relationships.

6. Using my brain, skills, and lifelong passion for my sport to survive in New York City. I’ve never, not once, used my physical appearance or “charm” to make it by. Learning to stand on my own two feet without compromising any of my values is important to me. The result? A robust self-esteem and general sense of security that’s centered around knowing everything I’ve ever obtained has been through merit, and merit alone.

7. Overcoming an unhealthy body image and bad attitude towards food. I’ve finally learned how to find balance and like what I see when I look in the mirror.

8. Researching scholarly sources to learn about my own bodily health, and how it is intrinsically linked to my own personal mental health.

9. Overcoming self-destructive thought patterns and behavioral habits that have kept me trapped in the lower-frequency. Success was being able to tap into my higher-level of consciousness through overcoming all the difficulties and struggles in my life.

10. And finally, bringing my childhood coach to the Olympics and sharing that once-in-a-lifetime experience with her. That felt really good.

These are all my versions of success. Noticed how none of them are physical? Not one single thing you can touch! Except maybe the hotel we built as a family. Success to me is all about self-actualization, and taking the time to learn and grow from one’s mistakes.

I’ve had a ton of failure along the way, and of course my goal is to share this with you all in an attempt to make myself more vulnerable and relatable. It is an ongoing journey, learning to take down the veneer, but it is something I’m starting to feel safe doing strictly on my own terms. I’m not going to give out my difficulties and struggles to people haphazardly, I will be selective and deliberate, as any Capricorn rising creature would!

Everything in life is much easier when we approach the world with a “growth orientated” mindset; nobody knows everything and we shouldn’t feel embarrassed by saying the words: “I don’t know.”

My Dad told me growing up that the best Professor he ever met while studying Law at The University of London at Oxford, was a man who stood up in front of the class and said in his very first lecture that some of the smartest people in the world are the first to say “I don’t know.” Because eventually one day you will know, and this is how ignorance is not only fought, but won!

I’ve always chosen to keep the lessons of my past and not dwell on failure itself. I’ve also learned to embrace all my failures as though they’re stepping stones, kicking me toward something bigger and greater. I see myself as a big ol’ gay phoenix, constantly being reborn, rising out of the ashes, and into something stronger, more resilient, and hopefully soon to be of some significance.

I’ve done a lot of growth and now, in lieu of success, I hope to become more significant by adding value to other people’s lives, instead of just my own. At the end of the day, I’m just like Dolly, singing in the song below: “I’m just travellin’ travellin’ travellin’, I’m just travellin’ thru! Woooooooooo!”

And I hope y’all continue travellin’ with me on this road of self-discovery:

How To Be A Real Friend

My upcoming 31st birthday is making reflect on a lot of things in life. One of those things is friendship. After 3 solid decades on this planet, I think I know what it means to be a real friend. After careful deliberation, I’ve decided that these are the 3 rules I live by in order to be considered a real friend.

1) Don’t ‘Go To Bed’ With Your Friends

Personally I believe that in order for friendship to really flourish, the element of sex has to be removed. This makes life much simpler, with clear distinct boundaries.

I’ve taken a leaf out the Greek Philosopher Epicurus’ book and decided that life is much simpler if all the people I call a friend in my life really is just that: a friend. I’ve said that to each of my 4 boyfriends and each of them appreciated my candor because it was reassuring for them. When boundaries are crossed in friendship they’re no longer a friend anymore, they’re a lover, and once feelings get involved, the situation gets messy.

If you’re serious about having a committed loving relationship in the future, don’t make things weird with your friends! It’s that simple. That way, when you have a potential partner come into your life, you can say with full certainty when introducing them to you circle, that every person in your circle really is just a friend.

2) A Real Friend Apologizes For Hurt Feelings

If boundaries are crossed, then address it immediately, apologize regardless of whether you were in the right or wrong, acknowledge the misstep and move on. Everybody has had a drunken night where they’ve made bad decisions, the important part is the recovery. The sooner you address it, nip it in the bud, the higher the likelihood the friendship can be mended. I understand it’s uncomfortable, however, anything ambiguous is only going to lead into more hurt feelings and nobody ever wants to play games with people’s hearts, it is bad karma.

Evil eyes can manifest in many different ways. I believe it’s possible for people to lose their jobs, prosperous careers, even loving committed relationships, all because of an evil eye has been cast on by so-called jealous friends. A real friend would never deliberately go out of their way to do something out of spite. A loving friendship isn’t about hurting, and if the love feels painful then it probably isn’t love.

We need to all collectively stop using a person’s “acting out” and rage as an indicator of strong feelings with love: love isn’t supposed to be painful. Everybody needs to stop conflating love and pain: the depth of a person’s pain is no indicator of their love for you.

How your friends are with apologies is also a good indicator of whether the friendship is real or not. When you confront a friend about a hurtful thing they’ve done, a real friend acknowledges the hurt and pain they’ve caused, and apologizes for causing it.

Do you acknowledge the hurt and pain in your friendships? And if so, are you able to navigate an apology that gives your friend the assurance, understanding, and compassion that they need to have peace? That’s a real friendship. Talking around difficult issues or leaving them unaddressed for a long period of time can turn any relationship toxic.

So often people make their apologies about egos and power-struggles, and if this dynamic seems familiar, it might be time to move on from that friendship. Revisiting pain from the past is like picking at a scab for fun, it is a toxic cycle that doesn’t allow you to heal and move forward. Real friends honor sincere apologies and move on.

Accepting an apology is one thing, but honoring it is quite another. When accepting or receiving an apology, honoring it means leaving the conversation there and moving forward. Don’t revisit it. If they keep revisiting painful moments of the past that you’ve sincerely apologized for, realize that behavior is a toxic cycle and you don’t need that in your life.

Pride and resentment can kill a person, and they very oftentimes do. Emotional toxicity is the fastest way to develop cancer, I have no doubt that shit will kill you. So cut out the emotional toxicity from your life for the good of your own mental, spiritual, emotional, and even physical health. Get it out of your life.

3) A Real Friend Wants You to Win

When a person posts something online to get underneath your skin, or does something deliberately to cause a fight and provoke you, that’s toxic. If you get a thrill out of such interactions, you might have an addiction to toxicity.

If you get a rush from drama then you might be a toxic person, which isn’t the best thing, but admitting that you might be partial to toxic tendencies is the first step in breaking out of the toxic cycles and friendships once and for all.

I avoid all social and emotional toxicity in my life. I’ve lost countless friends over the years because the situations have turned toxic and I needed to walk away. Self-care is so important. It’s really hard, especially when you share so much history, but all because a person has been in your life a very long time doesn’t make them a real friend; you must look at their behavior.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that good energy begets good energy, bad energy begets bad energy. So, I only try to give loving energy to those who make me feel good, and these friendships reciprocate that loving energy right back to me naturally. It should make you feel good to build your friends up! Everybody should be wanting to see one another win.

Lastly, friendships are the few moments of human interaction where we get to be vulnerable and tender. Can you be tender and vulnerable with your friends? Does your friend soothe that vulnerability, minimize your weakness, build up your self-confidence and instill strength in your character? That’s a real friend.